


Everything

by shelovestoship



Category: Magnum P.I. (TV 2018)
Genre: 2.03 knights lasts forever, Actually the show did, Episode: s01e19 Blood in the Water, Ethan doesn't get Higgy, F/M, I just keep traumatizing them, I'm just making them deal with it, MY BABIES, We never got any call backs for 1x19, mini PTSD, will be kind of hurt/ comforty-y
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-11
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-16 02:01:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28698831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shelovestoship/pseuds/shelovestoship
Summary: Movie night brings up some memories for Magnum. Higgy realizes something about her new boyfriend.(I'm still upset we haven't gotten any references or feels of Higgy basically drowning/dying and Magnum bringing her back in 1.19 OR the whole bit where she got repeatedly waterboarded and still keeps his identity a secret in 2.03. So this will be that...)
Relationships: Juliet Higgins & Thomas Sullivan Magnum IV, Juliet Higgins/Ethan Shah, Juliet Higgins/Thomas Sullivan Magnum IV, miggy - Relationship
Comments: 100
Kudos: 183





	1. Movie Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Urg, I walked home from work today and it was snowing "wet snow" the kind that melts on you but still kind of sticks so you just get wetter and snowier and by the time I got home my jacket was so wet it was like I'd dunked it in water! Swedish winter sucks! #IwishIlivedinhawaii

## Movie Night

It was movie night and Juliet had brought Ethan. 

She had asked if it was okay, and they’d all said ‘go ahead’. But he wasn’t really one of the gang, was he? Magnum supposed he was an alright filler, especially since, neither Kumu, Gordon or Shammy were there tonight. Just Rick, TC, him and Juliet. And Ethan.

“You were in the military right?” Ethan asked Magnum as they were tasked with carrying things into the main house’s home theather room. The screen here was almost movie theater big and the chairs and sofas extremely comfortable. 

“The navy,” Magnum corrected.

“Right,” Ethan said, as if he didn’t see why this was an important distinction. “A SEAL. That’s difficult, right?”

He shrugged but wondered how Ethan had known. "Juliet tell you?"

“Yeah. She explained some of the training you do for that,” he said, nodding. “And about how you joined to help people.”

Magnum was surprised. He’d somehow figured if Juliet ever mentioned him to Ethan it would have been in a somewhat dismissive ‘ _oh he’s just my business partner - who lives in my guest house for free_ ’ sort of way. But she hadn't done it like that at all. She’d told Ethan about two things he was actually good at. The Navy and helping people.

“You’re the doctor,” he said, because even though he was proud to be a SEAL, he didn’t want to make a thing about it. “Now _that’s_ helping people.”

“I guess we have that in common,” Ethan said, smiling a little half-smile. "Wanting to help."

Magnum nodded, even if Ethan seemed like a nice guy, he didn’t particularly need or want to have anything in common with him.

“Well, one _more_ thing,” the doctor continued, smiling as he watched Juliet bring the dip in and put it next to the chips. “We both care about Juliet.”

“Yeah,” he agreed. Except Ethan was merely infatuated with her. 

What Magnum felt was far more serious than that. His friend. Maybe his best friend. She was his bussiness partner. Well, more like just all-around partner. The one he just wanted to share everything with. The one he wanted to figure cases, problems, life, out together with. 

Frankly, sometimes, when he looked at her he couldn’t even decide what he was feeling. Everything was maybe the only way he could describe it. 

Looking at Juliet Higgins made him feel _everything_. Fear, love, excitement, worry, sadness, stress, happiness. She made him feel brave, lost, thrilled, foolish, infuriated, lonely, connected, smart, strong, dumb, and a dozen other things as well.

Tonight especially, there were a few more emotions than he normally let himself feel. 

She was in a red dress that looked like it had been made for her, her hair clipped back and make-up a little more than she’d have done for a ‘normal’ movie night. 

Magnum also knew she had a new perfume that she’d somehow managed to add in just the right amount to make herself smell absolutely divine without overpowering her own scent.

But it wasn’t so much what she’d put on; the dress, perfume or makeup. It was how soft and happy she looked. Open. He loved when she actually let her guard down. 

“What are you gents smiling about?” she asked, looking up at them. 

Only then did Magnum realize he was grinning as wide as Ethan.


	2. Until It Wasn’t

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The problem with ocean monster movies...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So as far as I know, Dwayne Johnson has done no ocean monster movies (unless maybe if you count Moana..?) but I took some creative liberties and borrowed his name for my fictional movie(!).
> 
> (Movie night with the Ohana gang works like this: the person in charge of movies that week picks three, then they all decide together based on what movie the most of them want to watch out of those three. Pretty standard movie night stuff.)

## Until It Wasn’t

“Okay, so my three picks are: Ocean monster tries to take over the world, this one where apparently no one talks or thirdly this one that supposedly has a bunch of wacky stuff and magic in it,” Rick said, flipping through the movie choices on the big screen. 

“Whilst the one with the sea monster is completely reality-based,” Juliet said and threw one piece of perfectly aimed popcorn at Rick.

She and Ethan were on one of the small sofas, looking very cozy-cozy. Not that Magnum cared. 

“I vote ocean monster,” Magnum said, his eyes having caught on the blonde woman on the poster for it. Something about her - more than the short blonde hair - reminded him of Higgy.

“I think we should go with ‘ _A Quiet Place_ ’, it's supposed to be excellent,” Juliet insisted. 

Ethan apparently having a preference for sea creatures said, “Come on, you can’t beat an ocean monster. And it has Dwayne Johnson in it!”

“It’s supposed to be pretty dope!” Rick said.

“Dope? What decade are you living in Orville?” TC said, “It does look kind of cool though.”

Ocean monster movie it was then. 4 to 1.

“Sorry Higgy.” 

Juliet rolled her eyes and they all settled in for the viewing.

It was a fun ride. Very dramatic. An ancient god-like ocean monster had been awakened and was coming to drown the world, while a small group of scientists and anthropologists accompanied by two mercenaries with hearts of gold (which Magnum thought was the most unbelievable bit out of it all. Mercenaries were hardly bleeding-heart types.)

“Oh please,” Higgy said, clearly sharing his opinion on the matter as the mercenary that was not Dwayne Johnson presented the blonde Higgy-look-alike with a locket that had once belonged to his deceased mother.

"Come on,” Magnum said, because he loved to mess with her. And it was kind of sweet, wasn’t it? If not very realistic. “He really likes her!”

“Shhh,” Rick said as the moment was interrupted by the ocean monster attacking.

It was all fine and dandy.

Until it wasn’t. 

Because suddenly the blonde woman was underwater, drowning, and the unrealistic mercenary that had been giving her heart eyes was searching for her in the storming ocean. And somehow he knew what was coming next. And he didn’t want to see it.

“I’m gonna get another beer,” he said, getting up.

“Want us to pause it?”

“No,” he said, already halfway out the door.

* * *

His beer was not even close to empty, so he didn’t bother with getting another. Instead, keeping the lights off he just looked out the window. It was nice, staying in the dark. 

_She hadn’t drowned._

It was totally unreasonable to feel suddenly vaguely sick just by watching someone that looked a bit like her - in a movie - going through something similar. Yet he had. Out of all the things he'd been through, who'd have thought that would be something his brain reacted to?

It was extra weird because he and Higgy went swimming all the time. He'd even been trying to teach her surf before she got shot and she'd been falling into the water a lot. But he'd been able to just laugh and enjoy that, knowing she was fine (he was right there with her after all, making sure of it.) But a movie made a tight ball form in his chest? It didn't make sense. He wasn't affected by movies. Or never had been before.

“Hey,” she said, suddenly at the kitchen’s doorway. 

“Hey.” 

Not turning the lights on either, she grabbed a beer and then came over to stand next to him.

“I’m fine,” he told her because she was giving him a very worried-none-Higgy look.

“Course you are.” She uncapped her beer but leaned against the kitchen island next to him. “I just came for this.” 

“Right.”

“She’s okay you know,” she said after a moment and surprised him by putting a hand over his as it rested on the cold marble counter.

“I know.” He wondered if they were talking about the movie-woman or her. 

“Of course,” she said, a rueful smile. “She’s the love interest in a cliché Hollywood movie. She can’t die.”

“Yeah?” He thought about that, the movie. He thought about their lives. “But sometimes people die. You almost-”

“Thomas I’m-”

The lights in the kitchen suddenly came on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who could it be, interrupting our faves...?


	3. Keep Up Ethan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You almost drowned?” Ethan sounded so shocked Magnum felt a little bad for him. Just a little and he kind of still wanted to… well, remind both Ethan and Higgy that the doc wasn’t the only one that had saved her life. He had too. More than once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It sometimes annoys me a little how no one gets to have any scars from anything on TV. I get that it's kind of hard to maintain and keep in the right spots and it doesn't fit with the beauty standard of how actors are supposed to look like. Especially women. And Magnum do get to have a few scars and after being shot by Hannah (even in 3.04 we get a little bit of this scar on his upper chest as well as one on his stomach from the burning his wound closed in the POW camp... trust me, I've studied the opening scene very carefully, several times...for scientific reasons only, of course... they're still there...)
> 
> Yet Juliet has been shot in the same arm TWICE, I think it's the same one right? and not a single mark (I mean I get it, they want to show-case Perdita's very excellent biceps in their full glory) but she could have had a bit of a red mark for a few episodes after either/both of these? Or like a band-aid? I'd have been happy with a band-aid! At least we got wound-reopening during the plane crash the ep. after she was shot this season! #progress?
> 
> But anyway, I decided to give a reason for her disappearing scars, even if I know the reason is 'scars are bothersome and not cute' but yeah this is a mini explanation to why Juliet doesn't have any scars. Also, scars as metaphors and missing scars might be making a cameo later on in the story...
> 
> ___  
> Also, I changed my mind. Swedish winters are beautiful. Today it was just a little below zero, like only five clouds, pretty ice crystals on the trees and I actually saw the sun for 3 minutes! That's more than I have seen it in the past two months combined basically! My doggie loved it, I loved it and the random kids in the park riding their sleds loved itI mean I wouldn't say no to Hawaii but today, here ain't so shabby either!

##  Keep Up Ethan

_The lights in the kitchen came on._

To Magnum's disappointment, this made Juliet close her mouth and jerk back from him as if his hand was on fire.

“Everything okay in here?”

“Fine,” he said as Ethan entered the kitchen. He glanced at Juliet whose expression he couldn't quite read, but he thought maybe there was a little hint of worry there. That Ethan would get the wrong idea? He didn't want to mess this up for her so he quickly decided to lead the conversation in a truthful but also different direction. ”Movie just bringing up some bad memories Doc!”

Ethan looked unsure, sheepish and yet somehow completely put together at the same time. He studied them with a not quite calculating gaze but not one entirely comfortable or friendly one either. His eyes seemed to linger on the space between him and Higgy. 

Magnum wondered if Ethan expected Juliet to move further away from him. But she didn't. Because why would she? While they were standing close to each other, they weren't _that_ close. Not anymore at least.

“Someone you knew in the Navy drown?” he asked finally. “If that’s okay to ask?”

Magnum looked to Juliet. He’d play it whatever way she wanted.

She hesitated for a second then said, “No. It was me.”

“You almost drowned?” Ethan sounded so shocked Magnum felt a little bad for him. Just a little and he kind of still wanted to… well, remind both Ethan and Higgy that the Doc wasn’t the only one that had saved her life. He had too. More than once.

“Well, technically, you **did** drown,” he pointed out, and because that was still a terrifying thought he tried to make it not so horrible by keeping his tone light. 

“Well, that’s because you made me swim across the Molokai channel!”

“Made you! You told me you were the captain of your swim team! And you agreed it was the best play!”

“I thought you said you saw right through that,” she said, one eyebrow raised. 

“I did, but I was still totally the hero that day and-”

“You were the hero? I’m the one that got shot!”

“And I tried to prevent that, remember?” he pointed out. 

“Oh how very noble of you-”

“Wait, Juliet, you were shot once before?” Ethan asked, stopping their banter. 

They both looked at him, annoyed at the interruption.

“Actually when you two met that was, what? Third time in Hawaii?” Magnum said, looking at her. As if for confirmation. Even though he remembered the times she’d been shot vividly.

When she’d called him when he was at the morgue when Nuzo was missing. He’d thought maybe she’d been grazed, she’d sounded so calm yet annoyed when she told him 'I've been shot'. But she’d actually had a bullet in her arm and a broken clavicle.

The yacht-jacking. Watching her bleed heavily enough that even with the blood dispersing into the water, he could still see the red trailing from her wound. Then, when he’d been so excited that they’d finally made it to the atoll, he’d left her behind. Assuming she’d be just as strong as normal even with massive blood loss and rough waves. Even when he had in fact realized she wasn’t as good of a swimmer as she claimed.

Performing CPR on her, yelling at her to get up, that was permanently on his top ten list of top horrible moments in his life. Possibly even taking precedence over things that _should_ be at the top of it. 

Truth was, if she’d died right there… he wasn’t sure what he’d have done. He’d lost a few men during his time in the navy; been there when they died. But they hadn’t been close to him, part of his life, the way Higgy had been. Was. Would, hopefully, always, be.

Maybe that was why the movie had affected him so much.

“Yes,” she said and he thought she might smile at Ethan but instead she kept looking at him. “But none of mine have been in the chest.”

“So what?” 

_“So what?”_

“I mean I was fine,” he said, taking a swing of his beer, waiting for her reaction. "In fact, I think a gutshot is actually worse."

"It's not," she said, turning to Ethan, a little frown between her eyes. "It's not right? Being shot in the chest is always worse!"

“You were shot in the chest?” Ethan asked, apparently having some trouble keeping up.

“Mmmm,” Juliet said, taking a sip of her beer and turning to Ethan. “By the woman he was once going to marry.”

“What?” Ethan clearly didn't have a lot of interesting things happen to him to be so shocked by this.

“It’s a long story,” he said to Ethan. And to Juliet, “And it was my shoulder.”

“It was not.” He saw a momentary shadow cross her face, an emotion in her eyes he recognized from how he’d just felt thinking about her almost dying.

He wasn’t sure if he liked that she was clearly upset by the memory because it meant she cared. Or if he wanted her not to be. That feeling of dread and terribleness that watching the woman in the movie almost drown had caused him - he didn’t want that for her.

“It was shoulder adjacent.” 

“No, it was not. Show Ethan your scar.” She nodded as if she expected him to start unbuttoning his shirt! 

“I’m not going to show him my scar!” He looked at the other man, then decided he should try to include him in their conversation. “Speaking of! What’s up with the fact that I got a scar and Higgy’s is barely visible. Is there some special style of stitches you give patients you want to date?”

“I’m just a good healer,” she said with a shrug and a quick flash of a smile at Ethan. “Though you did a very good job.”

“Good healer! Your scar is barely visible and it’s only been three months!” He realized as Ethan gave him a look, that maybe there was a need for an explanation to how he’d seen Juliet’s scar. Or lack thereof. “We swim. A lot. She wears bikinis.”

He’d also helped her clean it and bandage her wound during the first week. And thus he actually knew her scar minimizing protocol; she had this whole thing she did, special creams, peelings, right moisture, special flattening tape.

She’d apparently learned at MI6s and even though he supposed it was a good thing (or at least she seemed to think so) it had made him wonder about all the scars she should have, but didn't. Scars that had somehow been erased, even if the injury had occurred. He supposed that made sense with who she was. Even when she was hurt, physically or emotionally, she did her very best to make sure no one knew about it. For her, the ability to erase her scars would be like catnip.

“Yeah,” Magnum nodded. “Look at her arm. She’s been shot twice and barely a mark. Though you do have that scar on your ankle. You never did tell me where you got that?” He knew it must have been before MI6 though.

“And I never will,” she said, smirking. 

“I had no idea being a PI was so dangerous,” Ethan said, seeming to be taking this whole thing just a bit too seriously.

“It’s not really-” 

“Guys!” Rick said, popping into the kitchen. “Are we watching the movie or what? The sea monster just ate someone and the Rock has amnesia!”

“Sure,” Magnum said.

“Actually, Juliet, can I have a minute alone with you?” Ethan said. 

Magnum gave her a ‘ _what’s his deal_ ’ look behind Ethan’s back as he walked out, she gave him a discreet _‘I don’t know but whatever it is, it’s none of your business_ ’ one in return. 

* * *

When Ethan and Juliet re-joined them two minutes later, she went and sat next to TC, leaving Ethan alone on the two-seater. Magnum wasn’t sure why that secretly really pleased him. 

It wasn’t that he wanted there to be trouble in paradise. 

He just felt like maybe it was a tad bit insensitive to the people who weren’t dating anyone to rub their ‘happy-couple’ thing in their faces. 

Yup, that was all.


	4. Good

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some talking, maybe some realizations...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have two full intro-days (today and tomorrow) at school and then work all day on Friday! From 0 to 110 in a week! But I'm kind of happy to get back to normal and there are enough breaks I can still write a little so it's fine!

## Good

Rick and TC headed out first. They’d ordered an Uber, having had just one too many beers for them to drive. Doctor Ethan offered to help clean up. Probably to try to smooth over whatever had gone down earlier with Juliet.

He gave them some time alone in the kitchen, but all he could hear was low arguing. And not the fun kind he and Juliet usually engaged in.

In the end, Juliet sent her new boyfriend packing too. He watched the parting from the end of the hallway. A sort of vague - talk to you later - and the stiffest kiss he’d ever seen before she went back to the kitchen.

“Later man,” Magnum told the frustrated looking Ethan before the Doc left the main house, taking the duffle bag he’d stashed by the entrance with him.

That made him smile. A guy who couldn’t accept Higgy for who she was, who tried to tell her what to do or not to do, that guy didn't deserve her.

* * *

“Ethan not sticking around huh?” Magnum said a minute later, bridging the last popcorn bowl to her in the kitchen.

She was at the counter that faced the window, looking out into the dark night. Catching a glimpse of her face, her eyes were suspiciously shiny.

“Hey, are you okay?”

“Of course,” she said, clearing her throat. “I might have lost a few brain cells from the awfulness that was that movie. How could _sand_ be the solution to defeating an ocean god? Completely nonsensical.”

Yeah, he wasn’t buying that.

Question was, did he just argue about her how the movie did totally make sense to take her mind off what was going on with her or Ethan or did he ask her about him? Push a little to see if she might actually want to talk about it. He wasn’t sure who else she had to talk to about it.

Kumu, maybe, but she was quite busy with some new findings that had been sent to the cultural center and trying to connect with her husband’s daughter. 

Even if Kumu had been available would Juliet talk to her? She didn’t just _share_ things. Not unless someone (usually he) really tried to get to the bottom of what was bothering her.

For god's sake, she had waited until her visa was barely a week from expiring before even mentioning it to him last year.

“Ethan worried our job is too dangerous?” he asked. Because he had enough deductive powers to be sure that was what it was about. Plus he’d heard some of the arguing.

“Yes,” she said, emptying unpopped popcorn kernels into the trash. 

“Worried you’d get hurt again?” 

“Yes.” She put the metal down forcefully on the counter. 

“What an asshole,” he said playfully, “It’s almost like he cares about you.”

She gave him a dirty look but then smiled faintly. “On our first date, I told him I worked as an internet security consultant in London before coming here. He seems to think that doesn't qualify me to be a PI.”

“Well, we both know there is no one more qualified,” he said. “Except me.”

“Please!” She over-exaggerated the word. “Didn’t you once admit I was just a little bit better than you?”

“I never said such a thing,” he said, even though he of course had.

She turned serious again and surprised him by actually going back to the topic. “I understand what Ethan is coming from. But he doesn't have the right to tell me what I can and cannot do.”

“I agree,” Magnum said, but decided to investigate further. “Did he actually tell you to stop being a PI?” _Did he tell you to stop working with_ **me**?

“He suggested there were better, safer, options,” she said, before turning to start the dishwasher. “Know what else? He implied you were the one that was dragging me into trouble!"

“Yeah?” he said, thinking back to all the times they’d been in life-threatening situations over the past few years. Wondered if maybe Ethan was right? Maybe he had made her life more dangerous.

"Don’t worry. I assured him you were not." She stopped moving for a second then added, "I don’t think he liked that either.”

“Well, I _have_ gotten you into some dangerous situations.” 

She shook her head. “Remember what I told you on the atoll? You never dragged me into anything I didn’t want to be part of.”

“I remember,” he said, feeling everything he’d felt on that small piece of land. “Every second of it.”

Looking around, not seeing her, diving for her, getting her up on dry land, CPR, her coughing up water and seeming to be fine. But drowning was a tricky thing. In the Navy, they’d taught him all sorts of things about the dangers of it. How sudden respiratory distress or even arrest could happen hours after. So even as he’d been bantering with her, trying to get her something to eat, starting the fire, he’d been worrying. That was why he hadn’t wanted her back in the water when the pirates came back.

“Magnum,” she said gently, stepping closer to him. She opened her mouth but seemed at a loss for words, which was rare for her. “I-”

“It doesn't matter.” He tried to brush the feelings away. Made himself smile. Took a step back from her. “It’s late-”

"Wait, Thomas." She reached for his wrist, stopping him from walking away. "I know-I know I'm not always the best at expressing my emotions and might not seem like the best of confidant but I hope you do know...If you want to talk I’m here. About anything. The POW camp, Hannah, losing Nuzo. The atoll."

"Yeah?" He did sort of know that. But it was nice to hear it. "Juliet offering to talk about feelings? I think it might be the first sign of the apocalypse."

"I'm serious," she said sounding offended even as she took a step closer to him. "You can talk to me."

"I know." He shook his head."I just didn't think it was something I had to deal with."

"The atoll?" He resisted the urge to brush an escaped curl of hers back into place. Barely. Because that wasn't something they did. Just touch.

But maybe he wanted it to be. Maybe that was why he kept forgetting lately, kept finding reasons to reach for her.

"Yeah." 

They were both quiet for a moment. How did he explain it to her? Could he even?

How her getting shot, her suddenly spending a lot of her time with Ethan while Magnum kept having these moments - even when they were arguing and she was being totally frustrating - when he just wanted to stop and take her in, was all part of why the movie had actually affected him so much. Because finally, after more than three years, he was starting to truly realize how important, how crucial, she was to him.

She had been even back then, of course. In fact, she'd been so entrenched in the fabric of his life, that the nightmares he'd had after the incident hadn't been about her drowning or dying. They had been about her disappearing from his life, then worse ones, where she'd never been part of it at all. Then a year later it had almost happened with her visa expiring. Losing her had rapidly become a huge fear of his and just the thought of not seeing her every day was beyond unpleasant. Of not getting to argue, work, tease, talk and just be around her. That multitude of feelings, that strange feeling of _everything_ she brought on. He wondered how long he'd been feeling that around her. Why it had taken him so long to realize it meant something. 

"I just never want to go through that again." He tried to think of how to explain it. "You getting shot was..." _terrifying_. "But I knew if I could only get you to the ER in time, you'd be okay. On the atoll..."

"It was all on you," she finished for him. 

"And it was my fault." He'd left her. "I left you behind.”

“For about one minute.”

That had been all it took though. If he’d stayed with her, she wouldn’t have gone under when she lost consciousness. Wouldn’t have breathed in all that water.

"Not your fault," she told him, coming yet another a step closer and putting a hand on his shoulder. 

"You're right," he said, even though part of him did blame himself, it had all worked out. He had saved her. "It was just the scenario in the movie, it cut a little too close, that's all. I'm fine."

"You always say that." Her voice so low she was almost whispering. Since she was so close that didn't really matter though. He could hear her fine. "Even when I can see you're not."

"I am," he assured her, making sure he sounded cheerful. "I'm good. Honestly."

He told her that mostly because he wasn't sure what he was feeling. Like always, there were just so many things. Especially with her so close, hand on his shoulder. She was close enough he could scent that faint magical perfume she’d worn special for tonight. For Ethan. Not him. Yet… he was the one standing here with her, mere inches away. He was the one able to breathe her in, see the flecks of gold in her eyes dark eyes. The one so close he would have no problems leaning in and brushing his lips against hers. 

“Are you going to keep seeing him?” he asked and the answer was suddenly the most important thing in the world to him. "Ethan?"

“I don’t know,” she said, inching closer. She seemed to weigh something, her look momentarily miles away. Then she swallowed and her eyes went back his. Held his gaze for a long moment. “No. I’m not going to keep seeing him.”

“Good,” he said. 

She raised an eyebrow. “Good?”

“Yes,” he said, and reached for the out of place curl. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Urg. I had such a hard time getting this to feel right. I've copied pasted so much I feel dizzy and like I have no idea what's actually in this chapter!!!


	5. It Dosen't Matter?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And what is dusky, but a transiton? A time between, when it is neither day or night and anything is possible...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What you think of my poetic dusk summary? Should I abandon fiction and write poetry... Wait? I'm pretty sure that's not even poetry.
> 
> Also, full days of schools are total killer when you're not used to em (especially when they're online) and I'm exhausted. But excited for 3.05- yes I caved and watched the sneak peeks and I can't wait!
> 
> Swedish weather update: this morning it was 'glitter snow' (it's the prettiest, legit looks like there are diamond everywhere in the snow) and 'wear two pairs of gloves' cold!

## It Dosen't Matter?

He felt the heat of her hand on his shoulder through his shirt; the shocking trail of sensations it caused as she moved it down to rest on his chest. Above his heart.

What would it feel like without the thin fabric separating them? What would running his hands along her skin be like? Feeling her lips on his? Tasting her? Would she moan, pant? Press into him?

Even as he wanted nothing as much as to know, he felt like he was standing at the edge of a cliff. If he stepped off it he’d either find himself lying broken at the bottom of it or discover he had the ability to fly and experience something incredible.

Staying on the cliff was safe though. 

It meant he still had her. At least in a way. As his partner. His friend. Reaching forward, touching her, kissing her, that might be the start of something he’d been wanting for a long time, even if he hadn’t been able to accept it. But it could also be the way he lost her. 

Either right then and there because it wasn’t what she wanted or because she wasn’t ready. Or it could be weeks or months or years down the line when something went wrong. A dangerous case, an argument, stray bullet, his lack of polish, her inability to let her guard down or even a car accident. So many ways that she could be lost to him.

Yet as he looked into her eyes, that sense of _everything_ was so strong. Almost as if it was reflecting, multiplied, by holding her gaze. He wondered, suddenly, if maybe sometimes, occasionally (even once) she’d looked at him and felt it too. That overwhelming sensation of every emotion and feeling at once. Perhaps she even was, right then.

He couldn’t give a chance at _everything_ up. Especially if she felt it too. Because while it was the most frustrating and confusing thing it was also the most beautiful thing he’d ever felt. He wanted that for her. Them.

It was as if she'd come to the same decision, felt exactly as he, because she leaned in and up as he titled his head down to brush his lips against hers. There had been an dizzying, electric, sensation as of late when he'd touched her. Her arm, her leg. But their bodies together, lips tentatively tasting was **more** than that.

It was a storm, of both feelings and actual sensations. Her hand sliding up from his chest to his hair, her body pressing against his, it all rippled through him. He thought just kissing her, letting his hands wander across her skin, one up on her bare upper back, the other tugging her hips closer to his, might be enough to completely undo him.

She pulled back the slightest and it was madding. Not that kissing her hadn't been as well.

Then the suddenly, almost shockingly, the intimacy ended. 

Stepping away from she looked at him with dark eyes, something close to pure terror in them for a moment. Then the emotion vanished. Gone so quickly was it, he thought he must have imagined it.

Or maybe not, because she said,“No.”

“No?” he asked, still a little dazed and because that kiss had not felt like a no. But how she'd stepped back and the blank look, which quickly was transforming to a glare, did. It was like he'd insulted her rather than kiss her.

"Yes, no," she said quickly, shaking her head. "This isn't happening. I can't..." 

Not even finishing the sentence, she walked away, taking the exit towards the foyer.

“Come on!” he said, following her out of the kitchen. “You can’t say that wasn’t a great kiss!”

She stopped at the bottom of the stairs, hesitated. “It doesn’t matter.”

It seemed to him it mattered a great deal. To both of them. Even if maybe for different reasons. Perhaps even for the same reason, even if she didn’t seem inclined to want to discuss it.

“It doesn't matter?”

“That’s right.”

“If it’s upsetting you this much I think it does matter,” he said, hurrying after her as she began to move again. But stopped at the bottom of the stairs.“Hey, talk to me! I'm sorry if I-”

She stopped a few steps up, spun back to face him. “ _I said_ we’re not doing this.”

And that was it he supposed. Game over.

To really drive that point home, the automatic timer switched the lights in the foyer off. Midnight. He knew that because they'd debate over what time to pick.

Only due to the almost full moon outside (and probably a few garden lights) the darkness felt pleasant, cozy, like in the kitchen earlier rather than complete and oppressive. It seemed like dusk or dawn. He'd always liked that in between time, where things were neither one thing or another. So maybe it wasn't such a bad sign? 

“I’m sorry,” she said, drawing in a breath and opening her mouth. But she didn't add anything, even though she clearly wanted to.

He was sorry too. But confused as well. Because she had kissed him back with abandon. Leaned into him, lingered and held on. Clearly the kiss, their reaction to one another, wan't the problem. Or maybe it was. Juliet Higgins wasn’t good at not being in control. Letting herself feel whatever this was, would mean loss of control in one of the most terrifying yet thrilling ways.

Or perhaps she truly just didn’t want to be with him. As much as they enjoyed each other’s company, maybe he wanted something she wasn’t interested in sharing with him. Yet…that kiss. It hadn’t been the kind of kiss one you had with someone who you weren’t interested in, attracted to.

Still, she clearly wanted him to leave it alone. So he would. Or he'd try. 

“Good night Juliet,” he said as she spun and began to walk up the stairs again.

“Good night Thomas.”

Before heading out he decided he needed to tell her one last thing before he was to let the night end. Just to make sure she really knew. He hoped she already did, but with Higgy you never knew. 

"Juliet?"

She stopped. Didn't turn around. "Yeah?" 

“I love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Higgy being stubborn and freaking out about feeling... I feel like that's in character. Magnum blurting his feels out... maybe?


	6. Flight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Damn you Thomas Magnum,” she finally said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is this the smuttiest thing I've written so far? I think it might be! :O
> 
> I'm annoyed that Ethan is not just an ER surgeon. He's also worked with doctors without borders and used to steal gas (and a car?) as a kid? Plus he attempts to play hero? Come on! I mean I get that it was kind of needed for the plot but I'd have liked him to have been more like this story's Ethan, who is a normal person who gets a bit scared by the wacky and dangerous situations Magnum and Higgy (and the rest of the gang) often find themselves in... 
> 
> And I think I'm going to re-name this story 'Everything' because the focus isn't enough on 1.19/2.03 to warrant the 'Breath' title. Or does anyone else have any better title suggestions?

##  **Flight**

_"I love you."_

She stopped a few steps up the stairs.

"And nothing can change that. If you want me to go and for us to never talk about tonight ever again, I will do that, and I will still love you. I still have your back, always. But I'll try to love you like a friend and I'll look for someone else to have _everything_ with. If you might want this but you're not ready, or not sure, if you're scared, that's okay. We can figure it out. Just talk to me."

He took a breath. He hadn't meant to make a full speech about it. But he wanted her to understand. To know. To take a chance.

"I know emotions aren't your thing. In fact, I think in this instance they might even scare you a bit. But I also know you're not the kind of person who lets something as mundane as _fear_ stop you. So yeah... I guess I just wanted you to know; I love you." 

She slowly turned back to face him. Seemed to debate with herself for a few seconds as she looked out over the foyer.

He waited.

“Damn you Thomas Magnum,” she finally said, swallowing hard but the look on her face was…tender. 

“That’s not what I was expecting.”

"No?"

She took a step back down, towards him.

Then another. Stopped when she was one step up, eye level with him.

"What did you expect?"

"I actually have no idea." With her, he never did...even when he sort of did, he was never one hundred percent. But he figured the fact that she was coming back down, coming close, meant good things. 

"No idea?" she said reaching out for him, hand on his shoulder, meeting his eyes. Tilting her head at him. "Not even one? I don't believe that."

"Well maybe I had some hopes," he said, brushing some of her short hair into place. Where it refused to stay. "Just a few."

"I bet you did." But either his words or the gesture made her smile and lean down and touched her lips to his.

Magnum had always been a firm believer second times were best. Second kisses, second time making love. Second time was when it was still new and fresh and exciting yet it lacked the awkwardness, that first experimental kiss, touch, coming together, often had. Their first kiss hadn't had that thought. What had gone down in the kitchen had been so electric, so consuming, so _everything._ How could it possibly be better? Other than it not ending with abrupt rejection. That part he could do without.

But somehow the kiss was more than the one in the kitchen. Maybe it was her not holding back. Him having told her he loved her. Maybe it was the magic of the second kiss. It was something. It sang in his blood, so full of promise.

Strangely enough, Magnum somehow suspected every kiss they'd share would be like this. Consuming, sparkling and with the power to make his heart beat a hundred miles an hour. He couldn't wait.

He began backing her up the stairs, then during the last few he just picked her up, pressing her to him before softly placing her on the landing. He'd half expected her to be upset with him for that; for carrying her. But she wasn't, just looked at him and licked her slightly swollen lips, driving him mad. It was so much the lip lick, even though it didn't help, but the look in her eyes. It promised so much; passion and pleasure, but also something softer. Sunday morning in bed, just enjoying on another, not letting the day touch them.

"Come on," she said softly, offering him her hand.

She was leading him to her bedroom. And he was desperate to go. 

Once the door was closed - unnecessary really nice they were alone in the house - he pulled her to him, her back to his front, kissing her neck. How did she smell so good? It was maddening. Spinning her around he had to kiss her again, picking her up and pressing her against the wall. A small painting fell. He took it as a very good sign she didn't scold him for it. 

"Did I tell you how fantastic you made this dress look?" he whispered, pushing it up, marveling at the softness of her outer thigh.

"Zip's in the back," she panted.

"Yeah?" He brushed a finger along her jaw. Couldn't quite believe she was right there. Couldn't believe this was actually happening. There had been so much between them. Partners. Friends. Now this. Lovers. More. _Everything._ He wanted this closeness, to be one with her, so much. To see just how good, how high, he could take her. He loved that she wanted it too, was as eager as him for it. 

He had to let her down, stop pressing against her, to get to the zipper. But it was worth it. As he zipped the dress down, he got to kiss along her bare exposed back as he went. She wasn't wearing a bra. He'd already known that, felt it, as he ran his hands all over her on their journey up. As her breasts had pressed into his chest when he lifted her.

The dress fell to the floor, leaving her in only the tiniest pair of underwear he'd ever seen. Underwear that should probably be illegal judging by how much they were affecting him. Or maybe it was her ass in them. 

"You're overdressed," she said, turning around. Not giving him a real chance to admire her, she pushed him back onto the bed. Straddled him and got to work on the tiny little buttons of his shirt and finally giving him a good view of her.

He'd seen her in bikinis and sports bras and he might have had one or two (or ten dozen) fantasies about what she looked like naked. Reality was somehow better, the way the moonlight played across her taut pale skin, her collarbones, her pink-tipped breasts, the way she was arching her body to get the buttons and at the same time pressing her pelvis into his - clearly doing her best to drive him mad - as her nimble fingers and hot breath tugged the shirt off his chest.

"You're so beautiful," he said, running his hands up her sides.

"You don't have to flatter me," she whispered, coming back up to kiss him. "You already got me."

"Not flattering." He brushed the underside of her breasts. "Just the truth."

"What a hopeless romantic you are," she said, then he flipped them over and together they tugged the shirt off him. Since he wanted this whole thing to last a lot longer than it would have if she'd reached for his fly, he quickly got busy distracting her from undressing him further. 

He enjoyed exploring her more than he maybe should have. But she was so responsive, grabbing onto him as he stroked and trailed kisses all over her. Learned where she liked his touch the best. He made sure to memorizes spots he wanted to come back to. 

"Wait," she whispered breathlessly, putting her hand on his, stopping it from sliding under the only small bit of lace she wore. "Just...just wait."

He moved up, leaned his head on her shoulder. Wait. Sure. He could do that. Waiting was probably a really good idea. This was all going so fast. Yeah. Waiting. They should wait. Yet just touching her, was sending sparks of pure lust and desire through him. Just kissing and touching her... it was possibly better than most full sexual encounters he'd had in his life.

"Are you sure?" she asked.

He frowned. "About what?" 

She hesitated. "That you want to love me."

He was pretty damned sure.

"Yes!"

"Not like that. I meant you said you loved me but do you _want_ to love me?"

"I don't understand." His frown deepened, wondering just what this was. "I told you I love you."

She met his eyes and they were steady. "No. I believe you when you say that. I'm asking if you're sure you want to?"

"What kind of question is that?" he asked.

"I'm not..." She didn't meet his eyes, focusing on a spot somewhere on his left shoulder. "I'm not easy."

He chuckled. "No? You sure? Because we haven't even had our first date and I'm already in your bed-"

"Oh do shut up." But she smiled and actually looked up again. "You know what I mean."

"The fact that every day with you is different, complicated, frustrating and an adventure, is part of why I love you," he said because that was simply how it was. "Okay? I'd chose that, you, every day of the week."

She was probably, weirdly, it, for him. He loved her and this feeling he had, all the feelings, he had for her... he doubted he'd ever experience that again. He never had before. Not anywhere close to it. And he'd never change her or them for anything.

He did wanted her to say it back to him though.

Tell him that she loved him, but he had low hopes of it happening that night. Or anytime soon. He could handle that. Because he knew she did love him. Or he was fairly certain of it. He doubted she'd have turned around and taken him upstairs with her if she hadn't. No way would she have risked it unless her heart was screaming for it almost as much as his had been. So he knew. He felt it, in the way she kissed him, held onto him. By the way she was looking at him right then.

"Okay," she said, and with a faint smile began his hand down towards where he'd been trying to get it earlier. "But it seems you're still overdressed for what comes next." 

* * *

Afterwards, he wondered if he'd maybe done sex wrong the first four decades of his life. He wanted to ask, hoped, it had been like that for her as well. Judging by how she'd gripped onto him, the sounds she'd made and the smile she'd given him, he hoped so. If not, he was going to spend the next four decades making sure she got to experience what he had. Yes. A worthy life mission to be sure...

He wasn't sure if he'd ever fall asleep or maybe already had, feeling simultaneously keyed up and relaxed beyond words.

"Is it strange I'm really glad we watched that movie?" he asked, thinking maybe it was all thanks to it.

"Since it was a terrible film I'd expect nothing less than for you to have the highest regard of it," she told him, apparently good sex bringing on snark mood rather than soft Higgy mood as he'd hoped... 

"I'm serious!" he said, lacing their fingers together, resting them on her hip. "I think seeing that woman that looked like you almost drown made me realize some things. Took me back."

"You hadn't thought about it since then?" 

"No." The casual way she asked made him want to explain. He had thought about it but not in quite that way. He'd only thought about it in the positive. How glad he was to have her in his life. How he wanted to keep her. Never actually truly letting himself imagine life without her. But the question also made him wonder if she had thought about that day. "Not like that. Do you? Think of it?"

“Yeah." She paused and snuggled close to him, putting her head on his shoulder. "I sometimes dream about drowning,” she said, surprising him by sharing more when she didn’t have to. “It’s terrifying. I wake up gasping for breath and shivering.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I told you, that’s not your fault,” she said, then added, “In fact, it’s probably mine. For being stubborn.”

“Wouldn’t that be a good thing when you’re drowning?”

“I was thinking more about when Lina and Sam were here,” she said, one of her fingers drawing small circles on his chest. “That was worse than the atoll.”

_That man tried to drown me with water from Mr. Masters' koi pond._

She’d told him very little other than that. The fully declined sunbed, the water-filled bottle and towel had given him a pretty good picture of what had gone down.

“And in the end Ivan found out your identity all the same,” she said, then turned suddenly serious eyes back at him.

“Juliet,” he said, cupping her cheek with his free hand. “You know that’s not on you? It wouldn’t have been even if you told them the combination.” In fact, he wished she had done just that, rather than let herself get tortured. He also knew that wasn’t who she was.

“I guess,” she said, rolling away from him, letting go of his hand. He wondered if she truly did know it wasn't on her. Sometimes blame wasn’t really logical. "I hope we get a lead on that SUV soon. I'm worried."

He was too. He was also starting to lean more towards sleepy than excited and figured it, if any, was a discussion, that could wait until tomorrow.

"Come back here," he said, giving her his best charm-smile when she glanced over her shoulder at him.

"What?" she asked, sounding extra British. "You want to snuggle too?"

"You damned right I do," he said, not about to apologize for that.

She rolled her eyes but came back to him. Gave a small happy sigh and seemed very happy being the little spoon when he turned on his side to press their bodies fully together again. 

"Your hair smells nice," he said, feeling it tickle his nose. But he was too tired to brush it away. 

It wasn't just her hair that felt nice. All of her did. And tomorrow he'd make sure to spend as much time possible exploring that nice-ness. When he was just a tad bit more awake. Suddenly even yawning felt like too big an effort.

“Thomas?” she said, softly. He mumbled something to let her know he was awake. But he almost wasn't. _“I love you too.”_

_._

_._

_._

**_END_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed!


End file.
